Catholic Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning
3. Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation’s range
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO
2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew